I recently finished reading ‘The Friendship Cure’, a book that unpacks the social, cultural and psychological impact of who we hang out with and why. Through scientific research, personal observations and anecdotes from others, Kate Leaver presents every question you’ve ever had about our social networks, both on- and off-line. Despite its pink cover, both male and female readers would be fascinated by her insights on modern friendship. Below, I’ve chosen some thoughts from ‘The Friendship Cure’ that stayed with me long after finishing the final page and closing the magenta cover.
THOUGHT ONE - “How many friends can one person have?”
Anyone who’s seen someone roll their eyes and grumble “I don’t have time for anymore friends” may have wondered just where the upper limit of our acquaintances lies. The answer is - 150, known as Dunbar’s Number. After much research, the anthropologist Robin Dunbar concludes that this is the maximum number of friends each of us has in our social network. Our cognitive constraints prevent us from having any meaningful social interactions beyond this. The number breaks down to -
- 5 very close friends (who you’d contact in a crisis, a serious romantic partner counts as 1.5)
- 10 close friends (who you’d grieve fully if they died)
- 35 friends (who you make an effort to stay in regular contact with, if only through likes and comments)
- 100 acquaintances (who you’d at least greet in the street)
THOUGHT TWO - “Wow, loneliness is unhealthy!”
I’d heard it said before that loneliness is more harmful than smoking 15 cigarettes a day. However, I’d never stopped to consider the specific health risks that lead to this alarming statistic. Studies have shown that people who are lonely wake up with higher levels of cortisol, the stress hormone, in their systems. This is a natural response left over from our primitive days. Because humans are pack animals, we are instinctively aware that to be alone is to be more vulnerable. This increased cortisol in the body, however, weakens our immune systems, and leaves us defenceless against all sorts of health problems.
THOUGHT THREE - “Why are there no songs about friendship breakups?”
Leaver speaks to people who have been ghosted, bullied and emotionally damaged by people they thought they could call friends. Sometimes, a friendship itself becomes toxic, or sometimes people just drift apart in response to the unexpected nature of life. It seems that romantic breakups are discussed far more than platonic ones, and yet Leaver speaks to therapists who have listened to many a client’s heartbreak over friendships. In terms of coping with a friendship break up, Leaver recommends normalising the pain and allowing oneself the time and space needed for closure.
Leaver certainly thinks so as she argues against separating our online and offline friendships through what she calls ‘digital dualism.’ Friends made online, and even relationships formed this way, are often considered at a slightly lower rank than those made in the real world. However, there’s an increasing number of apps out there to help people meet kindred spirits, such as Bumble BFF and Go Green Go. In one of my favourite parts of the book, Leaver chats to Michelle Kennedy who founded Peanut, a friendship app for mothers. Kennedy created Peanut when she herself struggled with loneliness after becoming a Mum. Now, she speaks to mothers who happily scroll through Peanut during 3am feeds, feeling a little more connected and comforted than before. In short, it’s time to set aside our ‘snobbery’ regarding online friendships.
If there’s one thing I didn’t like about ‘The Friendship Cure,’ it’s the fluffy, overly-emotional conclusion that Leaver reaches in her final chapter, so I’ll try to avoid ending my blog post in a similar vein! All I will say is - pick up a copy, and pick up the phone to a friend while you’re at it.
